Acknowledge Your Emotions

All of us experience emotions. It's part and parcel of being human, but the quest for happiness is all around us, in books, movies and on social media, urging us to 'just think positively', take the latest supplement or cold water swim ourselves out of our low moods. But of course none of us can feel happy all of the time, nor should we. It's only right we feel the pain and sadness of loss, the disappointment of a broken relationship or lost job, the worry over ailing loved ones.

Many of us, however, carry heavy emotions almost constantly. Maybe we had a tough childhood, experienced bullying in school, struggle with health issues or poor self-esteem. We find ourselves immersed in feelings of sadness, anger, despondency, or inadequacy and because emotions like these can be hard to live with, we do all we can to try and avoid them: numbing them with alcohol, scrolling, online shopping, gaming or over-eating. These behaviours not only dampen the heavier emotions but can dull the lighter ones too.

The thing is emotions are really important. They determine how we live and the actions we take, or don't take in life. If we spend our lives numbing our emotions; not allowing ourselves to really feel them, then it can result in either a pressure cooker situation, where we keep a tight lid on our emotions but if that lid gets dislodged, for whatever reason, those repressed emotions are going to blow, or we go through life burdened, as if we are carrying a backpack of heavy rocks with us wherever we go. Neither scenario is good, but because we have been feeling like this for as long as we can remember, we don't think we can change how we feel.

Whilst it's important to feel the full spectrum of emotions, the trick is not to stay stuck in the harder ones. We believe we don't have ownership over our emotions; they are out of our control. However, as discussed in the previous blog post, emotions don't just 'happen' to us, they arise from the thoughts we think about the circumstances of our lives. We often resign ourselves to feeling low, tired or unmotivated, with thoughts like:"It's been like this for as long as I can remember. It's just the way it is. I'll never feel any different". If we believe this, we will feel low and hopeless.

If you find yourself living in an almost constant state of depression, anxiety, stress or bitterness, well it's time to really look at why this is. It seems strange at first but you can change the way you look at the circumstances of your life. You may have had a hard childhood. That happened; it's a fact. Hopefully engaging in therapy will help you process and work through some of the difficult feelings you carry surrounding this, but if you keep the past alive with the thoughts you are playing in your mind about how awful it was, and how you wish it hadn't been that way, this won't change anything and will keep you stuck in feelings of anger, frustration and sadness. For your own health and wellbeing, acknowledge the hard things life may have given you, but don't live there 24/7. Don't ruin your present with constant thoughts about a troubled past.

Many of us also play the blame game and hand over responsibility for our emotions to others or the hand things we may have experienced in life: "If only my husband and kids picked up after themselves, I'd be happy", "If only my boss wasn't so demanding, I'd love my job", "If only...if only...if only...". It doesn't matter what happened or what they're all doing, or not doing, out there, you have control over yourself. The real reason you are feeling the way you do is because of those pesky thoughts. Feeling better is an inside job.

If you believe 'out there' is in some way responsible for how you feel, then you will feel helpless and powerless to change. If you keep believing the thoughts, "Life is hard", "I'm stressed", "I hate my job", "My kids never listen to me", then chances are you won't feel great. The good news here is YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE OVER WHAT YOU THINK. Think different thoughts and life will look different.

Take control. Be intentional. Begin by thinking of HOW you want to feel. It might be emotions you have from time-to-time such as contentment, joy, excitement. In your mind's eye picture yourself in situations that elicit good thoughts and feelings: seeing friends or family for a nice meal, sitting in the garden on a summer's day with a cool drink and a good book, packing for a trip away with a loved one, planning a surprise birthday party. Now ask yourself how you can bring more of these good emotions into your life. What can you do to bring more contentment to your days? Is there anything you can do with your partner or kids that will bring a little sunshine into your lives? Tell them what you love about them and find a small thing they do well that you can praise them for. Move away from feelings or bitterness or resentment and find the good.

If you hate your job and are always moaning about your workload, commute or troublesome boss, well acknowledge this and do what you can to create change - look for a new job, preferably with less stress and a shorter commute, but if you can't leave anytime soon, well can you reframe how you think about your job right now to help you feel better whilst you start planning for changes in the future? If you crave more peace and quiet in your free time can you find time for a solitary walk or time for a bubble bath with your favourite book and scented candle?

Remember ALL emotions are valid. Life has highs and lows. It is like this for every single one of us and we can try to resist, we can distract, we can numb but it is better to ALLOW and ACKNOWLEDGE. Let the painful emotions work through you, but don't let them stay indefinitely. Take control. Find ways to cultivate more joy, happiness and fun in your life. It has to come from inside yourself. It doesn't matter how much money you earn, how big of a house you live in, what model of car you drive, or how toned your abs, if you can't take ownership of your thoughts and emotions, then they will take control of you.